Originally published: September 2022

A friend of mine had just started a new job. She was struggling with a colleague who seemed to have it out for her — and she couldn't figure out why.

"I don't know why he doesn't like me," she said.

That's when it hit me. This wasn't really about her at all. He simply didn't see any common connection between them. It wasn't personal. But because she couldn't see past his behavior, it became very personal indeed.

And that brought me to one of the most underrated concepts in workplace relationships: the power of affiliation.

What is affiliation?

Affiliation is the foundation of allyship. It's the moment when we feel genuinely connected to someone else — to their story, their experience, their humanity — and choose to act with them rather than against them.

Affiliation reduces fear. It builds trust. It creates understanding between people who might otherwise remain strangers, colleagues in title only.

It begins when we stop seeing each other as roles and start seeing each other as individuals.

The good news? You may already be doing this.

Affiliation doesn't require a formal program or a DEI initiative. It happens in the smallest moments:

— "I know exactly what you mean." — "That reminds me of something I went through." — "Tell me more about that."

These moments cost nothing. They take five minutes or less. And yet they can fundamentally change how we feel about the people we work with — and how they feel about us.

These are the moments that remind us: despite all our differences, we are not so different after all.

Affiliation is not a one way street.

Here's where many well-intentioned people get it wrong. It's not enough to declare yourself an ally and then never follow through. Allyship without action is just words.

Think about how many times someone has said "let me know if you need anything" — and then disappeared the moment they were actually needed. Allies aren't supposed to show up only when it's convenient.

Real affiliation requires effort from both sides. Consistently. Not just when it's easy.

Two powerful connectors:

Shared interests. This is one of the most natural ways to build connection. Find what you both care about — books, music, sport, family, a shared professional challenge — and go there. The conversation will follow.

The less obvious connections. Often it's the unexpected common ground that creates the strongest bonds. When two people are willing to invest time and energy to explore an unlikely shared point of interest, they've already demonstrated something rare — genuine generosity toward another person. And that is worth everything.

The bottom line:

Affiliation is the foundational block of allyship and one of the most powerful relationship builders available to us at work.

It starts with curiosity. It grows through consistency. And it transforms colleagues — even difficult ones — into allies.

Every relationship starts somewhere. It may take time. It may feel awkward at first. But if we put in the effort, the results show up — in our work, in our teams, and in our lives.

Start today. Start small. Start human.